Baby for Sale

If I told you I had a baby for sale, how much do you think it would go for?

This post is a departure from regular posts. It is fictitious and contains references to gun violence.

If I told you I had a baby for sale, how much do you think it would go for?

I would never try to hoodoo anyone, so let’s get into the specs. Though it shouldn’t matter, this is a white baby. I want to make sure that the model in question is one everyone will care about. For purposes of getting the best market estimate, let’s also say it’s blonde. Blue eyes. A boy. The whole ideal, Aryan child shtick. Though it’s not the newest make and model—as we all know, when babies leave the proverbial lot, they lose half their value immediately—it’s only five or six years old. Plenty cute and it shows potential. A smart baby. The kind who reads educational books on its own, quietly.

This baby for sale. What’s the going price?

I suppose you could sell it for parts, if you’re into a My Sister’s Keeper situation, but if I may be so biased… this is a great baby we’re talking about. Everyone loves their baby, but this is an objectively popular edition. All the markings of success you’d hope for. You wouldn’t be crazy to call this a Presidential Baby. I can’t predict the future, but this baby has potential for good mileage. A baby that screams “good investment,” like an electric car or real estate in an area that’s being gentrified.

Initially, I thought a baby like this would be priceless. How can you put an estimate on something as precious as a child? Any child, but this one in particular! There are a lot of great investments you can make: gold is eternal and stocks are far less cumbersome, but children are the oldest investment we have. Tried and true, if you treat it right, it yields a far more consistent return than practically any other investment. Theoretically, there’s no good price you can put on a child, but since we’re discussing it, I initially thought it would be, what, in the range of billions? At least an average of hundreds of millions. But as it turns out, the asking price can go as low as five figures. Some sample prices and their sellers can be found at the end of this post.

The problem when selling babies is that you can’t control what happens once the seller has put in their offer and confirmed the sale. In short, the baby could end up in any situation the buyer allows. Someone could let it become a Florida Gators fan. Or they could let it get become a magician. Or they could riddle it with bullet holes. Pop it full of buckshot or hollow points. The seller only has to turn their head as it dies on the vine, just a couple years into ownership. Because when you sell a baby, it can become an investment or target practice. Shot in the head or the neck. Maybe in the abdomen, so that way the buyer can watch it die kind of slowly. And you really can’t complain because you sold the baby. You have the money! The money that you agreed upon was worth the amount of the baby.

There is the problem of what to do with the aftermath, too, because once a baby is full of bullet holes, its accessories become practically worthless to the owner, so you have to think about that, too. Impractical, small beds. Little clothes that won’t fit you. Toys that simply do not appeal to your interests. Artwork that came along with it that is, frankly, infantilizing to hang in common rooms. Papers and papers of crayon-drawn landscapes whose essence was really only valuable when the baby itself was alive. So not only do you have the seller’s remorse of shipping off the baby, but you have all this stuff you have to deal with, too.

It all… God, it’s painful to say, you know? But it just reeks of effort. All these images of dead babies are a kill joy. Makes the payout less fun, and what are babies if not vessels to be bought and sold. They’re not fetuses. We’re not animals here.

But why are we talking about all of this? That’s the worst case scenario. What I’m talking about here is an investment. The purpose of the conversation was more about my initial question. If I told you I had a baby for sale, how much do you think it would go for? And is that a good deal?

Mitt Romney (UT) $13,647,676; Richard Burr (NC) $6,987,3801; Roy Blunt (MO) $4,555,7221; Thom Tillis (NC) $4,421,3331; Cory Gardner (CO) $3,939,199; Marco Rubio (FL) $3,303,3552; Joni Ernst (IA) $3,124,773; Rob Portman (OH) $3,063,3271; Todd C. Young (IN) $2,897,582; Bill Cassidy (LA) $2,867,074; David Perdue (GA) $2,002,4621; Tom Cotton (AR) $1,968,714; Pat Roberts (KS) $1,581,153; Pat Toomey (PA) $1,475,4481; Josh Hawley (MO) $1,391,5481; Marsha Blackburn (TN) $1,306,1301; Ronald Harold "Ron" Johnson (WI) $1,269,486; Mitch McConnell (KY) $1,267,139; Mike Braun (IN) $1,249,967; John Thune (SD) $638,942; Shelley Moore Capito (WV) $341,738; Martha McSally (AZ) $303,8531; Richard Shelby (AL) $258,514; Chuck Grassley (IA) $226,007; John Neely Kennedy (LA) $215,788; Ted Cruz (TX) $176,274; Lisa Murkowski (AK) $146,262,; Johnny Isakson (GA) $131,571; Steve Daines (MT) $123,711; Cindy Hyde-Smith (MS) $109,547; Roger Wicker (MS) $106,680; Rand Paul (KY) $104,456; Mike Rounds (SD) $95,049; John Boozman (AR) $82,352; John Cornyn (TX) $78,945; Ben Sasse (NE) $68,623; Jim Inhofe (OK) $66,758; Lindsey Graham (SC) $55,961; Mike Crapo (ID) $55,0392; Jerry Moran (KS) $34,718; John Barrasso (WY) $26,989; Lamar Alexander (TN) $25,293; Mike Enzi (WY) $24,722; John Hoeven (ND) $22,050; Susan Collins (ME) $19,800; Deb Fischer (NE) $19,638; James Lankford (OK) $18,955; Jim Risch (ID) $18,850; Tim Scott (SC) $18,513; Kevin Cramer (ND) $13,255

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